Fire Chief Don Sweigert of Rittman gets The Works from Klaben for this week's Joke of the Week winner.
One day, many many years ago, a 7 year old boy named Jim went to visit his grandmother in western PA. Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, Jim looked up and said: "Grandma, why don't you have a boyfriend now that grandpa went to heaven?"
Grandma replied: "Honey, my TV-set is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs makes me feel good and the comedies makes me laugh. I'm happy with my it as my boyfriend."
Grandma turned on the TV-set, and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting knobs, trying to get it in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.
Then little Jim heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door, and there stood his grandpa's old friend, now the grandma's minister.
The minister said: "Hello, Jimmy, is your Grandma home?"
The little boy replied: "Yeah, she's in the bedroom banging her boyfriend!"
Jeanne Everett shoots and scores with the Joke of the Week for that Klaben Auto Works package!
Three women were at the doctor's office for the second trimester check up.
The first woman, a brunette, said that she was sure that she would have a girl because when she made love to her husband, she was on top!
The second affirmed with certainty that she would have a boy, because she was on the bottom.
The blonde grabbed her head between her hands. "Oh, crap! Puppies!"
The Joke of the Week nets the Klaben Auto Works package for Bill Braham of Newton Falls for this preseason gem:
They called him Big Ben; he was the first football player to make it to the pros in a certain town, and when he left home for training camp in a western Pennsylvania town. His mother made him promise to write every day and let her know he was OK.
The very first letter, Ben writes: "Mama, the first day of practice was great. But the night wasn't so good. Me and Antonio tossed some of the linemen in the back of the truck and went out for a few drinks. On the way home, we went off the road and into the water."
"Me and Antonio are fine," he continued, "but the linemen in the back of the pickup didn't make it. They couldn't get the tailgate down."
Happy birthday, Steeler Jim.
WONE Joke of the Week winner Lennie Kueking of Canal Fulton sends us this timely one for the Klaben Auto Works Package.
Last Saturday afternoon, in Cleveland a lawyer for Josh Gordon visited the Catholic Church. He told the Bishop that Josh would be attending the next mass and he asked if the Bishop would kindly point out Josh to the congregation and say a few words that would include calling Josh a saint.
The Bishop said, “No, I don't really like the man and there are issues of conflict with the Church over certain things Josh has done.
The lawyer said, “ I'll write a check here and now for a donation of $10,000 to your church if you'll just tell the congregation you see Josh as a saint.” I’m gonna have the newspapers there and TV and radio reporters too. They need to hear this.
The Bishop thought about it and said, “Well, the church can use the money, so I'll work your request into tomorrow's sermon.”
As Josh's lawyer promised Josh appeared for the Sunday worship and seated himself prominently at the forward left side of the center aisle. At the start of his sermon the Bishop pointed out that Josh was present and he went on to explain to the congregation that while Josh's presence is probably exciting to some, the man is not numbered among his personal favorite personages.
"Some of his actions are contrary to tenets of the Church," the priest intoned. "Josh is a petty, self-absorbed hypocrite, a thumb sucking baby and a nit wit. He smokes dope, does other drugs and is drunk a lot. He lies and is the worst example of a Christian I have ever personally witnessed."
And, true to his word the Bishop concluded, “But, when compared with Ben Roethlisberger, Johnny Manziel or Art Model, Josh is a Saint.”
Steve Jaborsky of Cuyahoga Falls has the Klaben Auto Works coming his way for the Joke of the Week!
After 7 years, Steeler Jim's daughter proudly graduated from Keystone High School. As this was the first summer she didn't have to attend summer school, she decided to get a job as a salesperson at the local bakery. After a few weeks, Jim asked his daughter how it was going.
"OK, except that every other day, Bengal Bob's boy comes in and asks for a loaf of the kielbasa bread and we keep that way up on the top shelf. I have to pull the ladder over and climb to the top shelf and Bengal Bob's boy gets underneath and holds the ladder. He sure must like that bread!"
"You big dummy," Jim responded. "He's just trying to get a peak at your underwear!"
Angered, Jim's daughter vowed to get even. The next day, Jim again asked his daughter how the day went.
"Well, Bengal Bob's boy came in and asked for that same bread." He responded "what did you tell him?"
"Nuthin'. I went to get the bread"
"What?" said Jim.
"Don't worry, Daddy," she replied. "I fooled him. I weren't wearin' any underwear this time!"
Thanks and congrats to Valerie Lefler of Midvale and there's a Klaben The Works package coming her way.
A little boy walks into his parents room while they were having sex. "What are you doing?" he asks. The mother explains, "Your daddy was full of air, so I was jumping on him to get it out." The boy says, "That's funny. Every time you leave for work, your sister comes and fills him right back up."
Joke of the Week honors go to Mary Lynn of Ellet and she's got The Works from Klaben to prove it!
Q: how long does a Steelers fan need to reach a blood alcohol of point 8?
A: About two days of NOT drinking.
If a guy remembers the color of your eyes on the first date -- it's because the chances are you have small boobs.
Q: Why do Pittsburgh women have trouble finding men?
A: Because they don't like the drunk ones, and the sober ones don't like them.
Q: How do we know Steeler Jim was conceived on a highway?
A: Because that's where most accidents happen.
Congrats to Debra Carnes of North Canton for the pre-holiday Joke of the Week and winner of The Works package from Klaben Auto!
A husband and wife were waiting at the bus stop with there nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives there were only 10 seats left on the bus. The husband says, "You and the children get on the bus, Honey. I'll walk."
So the husband and the blind man proceed to walk. After a while the husband gets irritated by the tick-tick-ticking of the man's cane on the sidewalk. The man says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber or something on the end of that stick? That sound is driving me crazy!"
The blind man replies, "Well, if you would have put a rubber on the end of YOUR stick, we'd both be riding the bus!"
Here's the Joke of the Week a day early since Jeff hits the vacation highway...and thanks to Jim Midolo of New London, winning that Klaben Auto Works package with this gem.
A Scottish couple took in an 18-year-old girl as a lodger. She asked if she could have a bath, but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bath, although if she wanted to, she could use a tin bath in front of the fire.
"irl agreed then to have a bath the following .the best night, when my husband goes out to darts," she said. The g
After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled the bath and watched the girl get undressed. She was surprised to see that the lass didn't have any pubic hair.
She mentioned this to her husband when he came home. He didn't believe her, so she said: ", when you go to darts, leave a little early and wait in the back garden. I'll leave a gap in the curtains so you can see for yourself."
So the following, while the girl again got undressed, the wife asked: "Do you shave?"
"No," replied the girl. "I've just never grown any hair down there. Do you have hair?"
"Oh, yes," said the woman, and she pulled up her nightdress and showed the girl that she was most generously endowed in the hair department. The girl finished her bath and went to bed.
Later that night, when the husband came in, the wife asked him, "Well, did you see?"
"Yes," he said, "...but why the hell did you have to show her yours?"
"Why are you worried about that?" she said. "You've seen it often enough."
"I know," he said, "but the dart team hadn't."
Congrats to Jimmy G. of Akron for the Joke of the Week winner worth The Works from Klaben Auto!
A hitchhiker walks down the road. Unfortunately, he has the runs and has to stop every 15 minutes.
A truck driver stops and offers a ride, but warns him that he won't stop for anything. About 10 minutes on the road, the hitchhiker begs the truck driver to stop, and the driver tells him, "Stick your butt out the window if you have to go so bad."
The hitchhiker sticks his butt out the window and lets loose.
Unfortunately, he doesn't notice the two Steelers fans walking on the roadside. Sprayed with the unholy residue, the first fan wipes his face and says, "What are them truckers chewing these days?"
The second guy -- his name is Jim -- wipes his face and says, "I don't know, but did you see the lips on that guy?"
We confess...this WONE Joke of the Week starts with a priest and a rabbi, thanks to someone who doesn't want their name used but God knows who they are. So will Klaben Auto with The Works package going their way.
A priest and a rabbi are talking; the priest is out of town the coming weekend but there's nobody who will sit in on confession for him. The rabbi says he'd be glad to do it, and the priest invites him in for mid-week to get a feel of the process.
Both head for the confessional After waiting a few minutes, a woman comes in and says, "Father, forgive me for I have sinned." The priest asks, 'What did you do?" The woman says, "I committed adultery." The priest asks, "how many times?" The woman replies, "Three." Priest: "Say two Hail Mary's, put $5 in the box, and go and sin no more."
A few minutes later, a man enters the confessional. He says, "Father forgive me, for I have sinned." "What did you do?" asks the priest. "I committed adultery." "How many times?" the priest responds." "Three times." The priest says, "Say two Hail Mary's, put $5 in the box and go and sin no more."
The rabbi tells the priest that he thinks he's got it, so the priest leaves. A few minutes later another woman enters and says, "Father, forgive me for I have sinned." The rabbi says, "What did you do?" The woman replies, "I committed adultery."
The rabbi says, "How many times?" The woman replies, "Once."
The rabbi said, "Go and do it two more times, We have a special this week, three for $5."
Get ready for a ride thanks to K.C. of Akron with The Works from Klaben Auto for this gem.
Steeler Jim goes to the doctor. "Doc, you've gotta help me! My wife Bengal Betty just isn't interested in sex anymore. Haven't you got a pill or something I can give her? I am desperate!"
The doctor opens his desk drawer and removes a small bottle of pills. "Ordinarily, I wouldn't do this. These are experimental. The tests so far indicate that they're VERY powerful. Don't give her more than ONE, understand? Just ONE!"
"I don't know, Doc, she's awfully cold..." sputters Jim. "Just one," admonishes the doctor. "One. No more. In her coffee. Okay?"
Jim agrees and leaves for home, where Betty has dinner waiting. When dinner is finished, she goes to the kitchen to bring dessert. Jim hastily pulls the pills from his pocket and drops one into Betty's coffee.
He reflects for a moment, hesitates, then drops in a second pill.
And then he begins to worry. The doctor did say they were powerful. Then inspiration strikes, he drops one pill into his own coffee. Betty returns with the shortcake and they enjoy their dessert and coffee.
A few minutes after they finish, Betty shudders a little, sighs deeply and heavily, and a strange look comes over her. In a near whisper, and a tone of voice he has never heard her use before, she rumbles "I...need... a man...NOW!"
Jim's eyes glitter and his hands tremble as he replies, "Me... too..."
Quickest decision for Joke of the Week -- EVER! Thanks Jim Gibson of Akron for what's sure to be a classic, winning the Speedway gift card from Klaben Auto.
"Pinocchio bumps into his old pal Geppetto, the carpenter who made him. Geppetto asks how he is getting it on with his girlfriend. "Not bad," Pinocchio says, "but when we have sex she keeps complaining about the splinters."
"Don't worry," says Geppetto, "I'll give you a sheet of fine sandpaper. That should sort out the problem." A few weeks later, they meet again. "How are things with your girlfriend now?" asks Geppetto.
"Who needs a girlfriend?" Pinocchio replies!!.