Joke of the Week and the $25 Speedway gift card from Klaben Auto goes to Dave Ferrell.
The 86 year old man walked into the crowded waiting room and approached the front desk. The receptionist greeted him and asked why he was there.
"To see the doctor," he explained, "because there's something wrong with my penis."
She became irritated and berated him for using such language in a crowded waiting room and speaking so loudly.
"Why not," the elderly man replied. "You asked me what was wrong and I answered!"
She scolded him. "Now you've embarrassed the entire room full of people. You should have said something was wrong with your ear, and discussed the problem in private with the doctor."
At this point, the man toddled out of the room, waited several minutes, and returned. The receptionist smiled and asked "can I help you?"
"Yes," the man said. "There's something wrong with my ear."
The receptionist nodded approvingly and said "what's wrong with your ear, sir?"
"I can't pee out of it," he answered.
Joke of the Week snagged by Sharon Tylka of Shreve for the Klaben Auto's $25 gift card from Speedway.
It takes 7 seconds for food to pass from your mouth to your stomach.
A human hair can hold almost 6 ½ pounds.
The length of a man’s "you know what" is three times the length of his thumb.
The femur is as hard as concrete.
A women's heart beats faster than a man’s.
Women blink 2 times as much as men.
We use 300 muscles to keep our balance when we stand.
A woman has listened to this entire joke. A man is still measuring his thumb.
From Anonymous, but they SHOULD take credit for this one for the $25 Speedway gift card from Klaben Auto!
A little boy and girl are playing in a sandbox.
The little boy has to go to take a pee and he was told by his mother to always be polite and don't talk about private matters in public.
At first he holds it in for a little while because he does not know what to say to the little girl to excuse himself.
Then he remembers what his mom had said at the restaurant to excuse herself from the table. So he turns to the little girl and says "Will you excuse me I have to go powder my nose."
With that he leaps out of the sandbox and runs to the washroom.
When he comes back the little girl looks up at him and asks "Did you powder your nose?"
"Yes," replied the little boy, stepping back into the sandbox.
"Well then" says the little girl, "You'd better close your compact because your lipstick is hanging out!"
Long distance laughs for the Joke of the Week from Tony of Sylvania, snagging that Speedway gift card from Klaben!
A Browns fan walks out of a sports bar to find a little boy playing with a pile of dog poop.
Curious the Brows fan asks “what are you doing with that dog poop?"
The boy responds: “I’m molding a Bengals fan."
About that time a Steelers fan comes out of the bar. The Browns fan says, “Hey,ask that boy what he is making out of that dog poop!"
The Steelers fan asks, “Well, what are ya makin?"
The boy responds "I'm making a Bengals fan."
The Steelers fan asks "why are you making a Bengals fan out of dog poop?"
The boy responds "because I don't have enough poop here to make a Steelers fan."
Wayne Milliken hits us up for the $25 Speedway card from Klaben Auto for this beauty.
Man walks into a bar one night, sits at the bar and asks the bartender for his best beer. Bartender says no problem. The guy drinks it and the bartender says that will be a penny.
The man looks puzzled but gladly pays the penny.
15 minutes later the man asks the bartender to bring him the best steak on the menu.
The bartender says "I’ll bring you a 15 oz filet, and give you a free bottle of Dom Perignon champagne to wash it down. Just give me one dollar for the meal."
The man goes "Hey these prices can’t be legit! Let me speak to the owner!!!"
The bartender replies ”...the owner’s not here… he's with my girlfriend.”
"What's he doing with your girlfriend?"
The bartender replies :THE SAME THING I'M DOING WITH HIS BUSINESS!!"
Jim Gibson of Cuyahoga Falls scores the $25 Speedway gift card from the three LOCAL Klaben Auto Stores for this week's gem.
A woman was being tried for the murder of her third husband.
The prosecutor asked, "What happened to your first husband?"
"He died of mushroom poisoning." said the wife.
"How about your second husband?" asked the prosecutor.
"He died of mushroom poisoning, too," said the woman.
"Well, then," pressed the prosecutor, "what about your third husband?"
The wife replied, "He died of a brain concussion."
"A concussion?" The prosecutor asked "why did that happen?"
The wife paused and then said, "because he wouldn’t eat the mushrooms!"
"Mr. Anonymous" doesn't want us to us his name or where he's from -- which is a shame, because he should get FULL credit for the Joke of the Week. No matter; he's got that $25 Speedway gift card courtesy Klaben Auto coming his way.
A guy went into the hospital for some minor surgery, and the day after the procedure a friend stopped by to see how the guy was doing.
His friend was amazed at the number of nurses who entered the room in short intervals with refreshments, offers to fluff his pillows, make the bed, give back rubs, etc. “Why all the attention?” the friend asked, “You look fine to me.”
“I know!” grinned the patient. “But the nurses kind of formed a little fan club when they all heard that my circumcision required twenty-seven stitches.”
The Joke of the Week is truly disgusting...so we're glad to share. Congrats to Ron Beason of Holmesville, who wins that Klaben $25 Speedway gift card.
A carpenter crew from West Virginia was building a house in Seven Hills. One of the crew had to go to the porta potty and do his thing.
After about ten minutes he came out, went to the lumber pile grabbed a 2x4 and put a nail in it. He then went back into the porta potty. The crew leader noticed this and went down to see what the hell was going on.
When he opened the door the man was just pulling his lunch bag out of the porta potty hole. With a surprised look on his face he looked at the man and said “you’re not going to eat that are you?”
The man turned and replied “HELL no, but my chewin' tobacco was in there.”
Deborah from Cleveland with a literal oldie and goodie for The Works from Klaben Auto!
A little old lady asks her doctor if there are any Viagra pills for her elderly husband.
"Yes," the doc says, "there are three different strengths: 20% , which lifts it up a little bit; 50%, which makes it stand up half way; and 100%, which makes it touch the ceiling."
"Oh", says the woman,"I'll take the 20% pill please."
The doc shrugs his shoulders and says, "the 20% pill won't do much for you sex life, love."
To which the old woman replies, "no, I know that, but it'll stop him peeing on his damn slippers!"
He just wants to be known as Richard from Green, and he gets The Works from Klaben Auto for the Joke of the Week.
Three guys die and go to hell. When they arrive the devil informs them that he is going to remove their jewels.
“Oh, how are you going to do it?” asks one of the guys.
“Whatever your father’s jobs were, that’s how I’ll remove them” says the devil.
So he calls over the first guy “Your father was a lumberjack… So will use a chain saw.” With with one swipe of the saw, they were gone.
To the second guy he says “Your father was a blacksmith… So I’m going to burn it off” And with one rush of flame, they were gone.
As the Devil calls the third guy over he notices his third victim is smiling. “Why are you smiling, you just watched me remove your friends jewels!" says the devil.
“I know,” replies the man, “but my father sold popsicles.”
The Klaben Auto Works package goes to Denny Henke of Akron:
It was a rough season for the Cincinnati Bengals but after they beat the Ravens, Bengal Bob (Bengal Betty's half-brother) went to a "Who Dey" party and ended up getting totally wasted.
A couple of days later he noticed 3 rings around his you know what. This got him pretty scared so he went to the doctor. The doctor ordered tests.
Five days later, the doctor called and said, "Bengal Bob...I have good news and some bad news."
Bengal Bob said, "What's the good news?"
The doctor said, "The red ring is lipstick."
Bengal Bob asked "OMG, what is the bad news?"
The doctor responded "the other two are chewing tobacco!"
This week's JOKE winner for The Works from Klaben is a twosome -- D & L from Akron for this gem!
A very strict minister was seated on a plane bound from Hong Kong to the US with a stopover in Honolulu.
A crusty old Marine boarded and as fate would have it he was seated next to the strict minister. The Stewardess asked the Marine if he wanted a cocktail?
The soldier got a Rum and Coke, Then she asked the minister if he wanted a drink.
He said, in a disgusted tone, "I'd rather be savagely abused by a dozen sluts than let liquor touch my lips."
The old Marine then handed his drink back to the flight attendant and said "I'D LIKE THAT TOO, I DIDN'T KNOW WE HAD A CHOICE."
This Joke of the Week for The Works from Klaben is a HOT one! Thanks to Arnie of Ellet -- last name withheld by request.
Bengal Betty goes into a sex shop and starts to browse.
She’s looking at all the toys on the walls and sees a big red one. She asks the cashier, “How much is this one?” He replies “It’s not for sale that’s a fire extinguisher.”