Jeff Kinzbach in the Morning (209)

Friday, 15 January 2016 10:32

Joke of the Week 1/15

Now THIS WONE Joke of the Week has a disclaimer: do NOT read this an hour before -- or after -- lunch! Tim Watts of Norton gets the Klaben Auto Works package for this gem.

Steeler Jim was working as a truck driver. One day as he was out near the outskirts of Pittsburgh he starts feeling really hungry. He sees Jacks Greasy Spoon near the roadside and decides to go in.

He saunters up to the counter and takes a stool and says to the one-toothed, eye-patched waitress, "Hey darlin whatcha got good to eat besides yourself?"

Through the giggles and slobbers she says "...our house chili is on special today. We make it daily." Steeler Jim replies that sounds good get a bowl.

Well Jim eats that bowl right down and still feels hungry. "Hey sweetie could I get another bowl of chili?"

"Sorry," she says, "that was the last of it."

At this point Jim notices another patron next to him with his head down on the counter moaning and a bowl full of that chili sitting there to waste. "Hey buddy are you gonna eat that," asks Jim.

The guy groans...."No, no."

"Do you mind if I do," asks Jim. "Go ahead," the man replies.

Jim tears into the chili and when he gets to the bottom there's an eyeball in it.

Steeler Jim throws it all back up in the bowl. He looks at the guy and says "...did you know there was an eyeball in the bottom of that bowl?"

"Yeah," the other guy snarls. "I had the same reaction myself!"

Friday, 08 January 2016 09:40

Joke of the Week 1/8

Our first 2016 Joke of the Week winner is Kimberly Malachowski of Fairlawn for The Works from any of the three Klaben Auto Stores.

God is visiting Pittsburgh and made a special visit to a woman who was a Steelers fan; he told her she must change, or she'd wind up in Hell. God told her she must give up smoking, especially the cigar stubs she picks up in the Heinz Field parking lot after games; also no more drinking, and especially not more unmarried sex with her boyfriend, Jim.

She said she would try her best. A month later, God visited the woman to ask how she was doing.

"Not bad," she replied. "I've given up smoking and drinking, but yesterday I bent over to get some stuff out of the freezer and Jim couldn't control himself, and we made love right there."

"They don't like that in heaven," God responded sternly.

"They weren't too happy in Walmart either," she admitted.

Thursday, 31 December 2015 09:43

Joke of the Week 12/31

 

The last Joke of the Week for 2015 comes from Tom Ferguson of West Salem for the Klaben Auto Works Package!

During a recent Pittsburgh Steelers home game, Ben Roethlisberger takes a shot to the head & stumbles to the sideline. With the new NFL concussion protocol, the team doctor must clear him before he can go back into the game. So, the doctor gives Ben a field test. First, he asks him "What is 3 + 5?" Ben answers "17." All the Steelers fans groan and start shouting "Put Ben in, put Ben in!" So, the doctor asks him another question "What is 14 - 3?" Ben answers "6." Again, all the Steelers fans groan and plead "Put Ben in, put Ben in!" So, the doctor tells Ben "This is your last chance, I will give you one more question to see if you are fit to play. What is 3 x 3?" Ben answers "9." Now the fans really started screaming; "Put him in anyway!'

Thursday, 24 December 2015 10:24

Joke of the Week 12/24

Our pre-holiday Joke of the Week comes from Klayleene Mantz of Akron -- who scores The Works from Klaben!

Steeler Jim was celebrating his new job at the fire station and his new marriage; while on their honeymoon in Pittsburgh he informed his bride there would be a new system at home, and they would function like a fire station. "At one bell," he said, take your clothes off. "At two bells," he continued, jump into bed. "At three bells, we start fooling around."

So one day Steeler Jim came home and decided to try out his system. "One bell," he shouted. They both took off their clothes. He hollered "Two bells!" and both jumped into bed. "Three bells," he screamed, and they started fooling around like crazy.

A few minutes later, she cried "FOUR BELLS!!!!" Steeler Jim stopped..."FOUR bells? What's four bells?"

"Let out more hose," she yelled, "you're nowhere near the fire!"

Friday, 18 December 2015 09:57

Joke of the Week 12/18

The Joke of the Week comes from Burl Rogers of Akron...and it's close to home to win that Klaben Auto Works package!

Ed died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly. The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Jeff and Steeler Jim.

The three men had always done everything together.

Jeff arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet, Jeff said, "Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over." The mortician rolled him over and Jeff said, "Nope, ain't Ed."

The mortician thought this was rather strange.

So he brought Steeler Jim in to confirm the identity of the body. Jim looked at the body and said, "Yup, he's pretty well burnt up. Roll him over." The mortician rolled him over and Jim said, "No, it ain't Ed."

The mortician asked, "How can you tell?" Steeler Jim said, "Well, Ed had two asses."

"What? He had two asses?" asked the incredulous mortician.

'Yup, we never seen 'em," responded Steeler Jim, "but everybody used to say: 'There's Ed with them two asses."

Friday, 11 December 2015 09:58

Joke of the Week 12/11

A new meaning for "Steel Curtain" wins Joke of the Week; Lois McNabb scores The Works from Klaben.

In a recent survey carried out for a leading toiletries company, people from Pittsburgh proved to be the most likely to have had sex in the shower. 86% of Pittsburgh residents say they have enjoyed sex in the shower within the past week.

The other 14% said they hadn't been to prison yet.

Wednesday, 02 December 2015 09:40

Meet Lydia & Rochelle

lydia1   cat rochelle

Lydia is a 5 year old Beagle mix that weighs about 30 pounds. This little peanut is shy when first meeting some new people but with some time and patience she starts to warm up and enjoys getting pets. She gets along well with most other dogs but enjoys them best when they are as laid-back as her. She seems to get along with kitties and would do best in a home with older children. This sweetheart would love to meet you today!

Meet Rochelle! This friendly girl arrived at the shelter as a nursing mom with kittens. All her kittens have found awesome homes and now its Rochelle's turn! She is a very easy going girl who gets along well with everyone she meets! Rochelle enjoys being pet and loved on, along with curling up in a comfy cat bed for a quick nap! If you're interested in meeting Rochelle, please stop by our shelter and ask to meet her today! 

PAWSibilities®, Humane Society of Greater Akron
330-487-0333 | Toll Free: 1 (888) LUV-THEM
www.summithumane.org

A holiday Joke of the Week salute and the Klaben Auto Works goes to Lori from Brecksville along with a bonus Jim Gaffigan link:

When he was a young man, Mr. Leonard’s family fell upon hard times. Thanksgiving was coming soon as his mama nervously counted her pennies. It was time to buy a turkey to serve her family on Thanksgiving, but her budget fell short of the amount needed to buy it.

That afternoon, young Mr. Leonard went into town to fetch his mama some milk when he saw a poster advertising a CONTEST TO WIN A FREE turkey for Thanksgiving. All you had to do to win the turkey was to have the biggest -- organ. And not a piano. He was blessed and knew he would win.

So he goes home shouting, “Mama, I found a way to get you a big juicy turkey for you to serve at Thanksgiving Dinner.”

His mama says, “Thank the good Lord. Our prayers have been answered, but tell me how are you going to afford this big Thanksgiving turkey, dear Leonard?”

Young Leonard hesitates at first, but then quickly answers, “Well, you see Mama, there is a contest in town on Sunday afternoon, and I just know that I will win us that turkey.”

Confused and curious, his Mama asks him, “What do you have to do to win, dear son?”

Stuttering in a shy soft voice, he looks down to the ground as he says, “Well, I just kinda…I gotta show…ah, hell, the man in town with the biggest ---‘um,---you know ----pointing to his manhood---wins that big juicy delicious turkey.”

“Oh no!” says Mama. “I won’t have it! I won’t have you showing all of your private parts to the whole town just to win me a turkey. We will just have to think of another way.”

Mr Leonard looks up at her and says with a convincing voice, “Mama, don’t worry! I’m not going to show the towns people ALL of my private parts….JUST ENOUGH TO WIN THE TURKEY.”

Link to go with the joke:  http://www.cbsnews.com/news/jim-gaffigan-on-getting-stuffed-for-thanksgiving/

Friday, 20 November 2015 10:40

Joke of the Week 11/20

Joke of the Week for the Klaben Auto Works Package goes to the anonymous listener to provided this gem to Jeff Kinzbach at O'Reilly Auto Parts in Kent last weekend:

Question:How can you tell if a guy is a real loser?

Answer: Even his blow up doll cheats on him!

Wednesday, 18 November 2015 09:46

Meet Lemon & Meringue, Ginger

lemon and merg face    cat ginger

Lemon and Meringue are 5 year old Spaniel / Beagle mixes that each weigh around 30 pound. They are very bonded and we are requiring they be adopted together. These shy sisters start out a little nervous of new people but it doesn’t take long for them to be ready to snuggle close for some pets. Due to their initial shyness we recommend a home with no small children but they seem to get along very well with other dogs. These sweet and gentle girls would love to be part of a family! If you think you have room in your home and heart for Lemon and Meringue stop by the PHSGA today to meet them!

Ginger is a laid back and friendly girl looking for the "purr-fect" home! Ginger arrived at the shelter with an injury to one of her back legs and after lots of medical treatment and surgery, her leg is finally all healed and she is ready to begin the next chapter of her life. Ginger enjoys pets of all kinds and enjoys being brushed and groomed. Ginger seems to have potential with the right cat and dog. She is a friendly and laid back girl who prefers lounging on a cozy bed or comfy lap. If you're interested in getting to know Ginger better, please stop by our shelter and ask to meet her today!

PAWSibilities®, Humane Society of Greater Akron
330-487-0333 | Toll Free: 1 (888) LUV-THEM
www.summithumane.org

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