Our first 2016 Joke of the Week winner is Kimberly Malachowski of Fairlawn for The Works from any of the three Klaben Auto Stores.
God is visiting Pittsburgh and made a special visit to a woman who was a Steelers fan; he told her she must change, or she'd wind up in Hell. God told her she must give up smoking, especially the cigar stubs she picks up in the Heinz Field parking lot after games; also no more drinking, and especially not more unmarried sex with her boyfriend, Jim.
She said she would try her best. A month later, God visited the woman to ask how she was doing.
"Not bad," she replied. "I've given up smoking and drinking, but yesterday I bent over to get some stuff out of the freezer and Jim couldn't control himself, and we made love right there."
"They don't like that in heaven," God responded sternly.
"They weren't too happy in Walmart either," she admitted.
The last Joke of the Week for 2015 comes from Tom Ferguson of West Salem for the Klaben Auto Works Package!
During a recent Pittsburgh Steelers home game, Ben Roethlisberger takes a shot to the head & stumbles to the sideline. With the new NFL concussion protocol, the team doctor must clear him before he can go back into the game. So, the doctor gives Ben a field test. First, he asks him "What is 3 + 5?" Ben answers "17." All the Steelers fans groan and start shouting "Put Ben in, put Ben in!" So, the doctor asks him another question "What is 14 - 3?" Ben answers "6." Again, all the Steelers fans groan and plead "Put Ben in, put Ben in!" So, the doctor tells Ben "This is your last chance, I will give you one more question to see if you are fit to play. What is 3 x 3?" Ben answers "9." Now the fans really started screaming; "Put him in anyway!'
Our pre-holiday Joke of the Week comes from Klayleene Mantz of Akron -- who scores The Works from Klaben!
Steeler Jim was celebrating his new job at the fire station and his new marriage; while on their honeymoon in Pittsburgh he informed his bride there would be a new system at home, and they would function like a fire station. "At one bell," he said, take your clothes off. "At two bells," he continued, jump into bed. "At three bells, we start fooling around."
So one day Steeler Jim came home and decided to try out his system. "One bell," he shouted. They both took off their clothes. He hollered "Two bells!" and both jumped into bed. "Three bells," he screamed, and they started fooling around like crazy.
A few minutes later, she cried "FOUR BELLS!!!!" Steeler Jim stopped..."FOUR bells? What's four bells?"
"Let out more hose," she yelled, "you're nowhere near the fire!"
The Joke of the Week comes from Burl Rogers of Akron...and it's close to home to win that Klaben Auto Works package!
Ed died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly. The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Jeff and Steeler Jim.
The three men had always done everything together.
Jeff arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet, Jeff said, "Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over." The mortician rolled him over and Jeff said, "Nope, ain't Ed."
The mortician thought this was rather strange.
So he brought Steeler Jim in to confirm the identity of the body. Jim looked at the body and said, "Yup, he's pretty well burnt up. Roll him over." The mortician rolled him over and Jim said, "No, it ain't Ed."
The mortician asked, "How can you tell?" Steeler Jim said, "Well, Ed had two asses."
"What? He had two asses?" asked the incredulous mortician.
'Yup, we never seen 'em," responded Steeler Jim, "but everybody used to say: 'There's Ed with them two asses."
A new meaning for "Steel Curtain" wins Joke of the Week; Lois McNabb scores The Works from Klaben.
In a recent survey carried out for a leading toiletries company, people from Pittsburgh proved to be the most likely to have had sex in the shower. 86% of Pittsburgh residents say they have enjoyed sex in the shower within the past week.
The other 14% said they hadn't been to prison yet.
A holiday Joke of the Week salute and the Klaben Auto Works goes to Lori from Brecksville along with a bonus Jim Gaffigan link:
When he was a young man, Mr. Leonard’s family fell upon hard times. Thanksgiving was coming soon as his mama nervously counted her pennies. It was time to buy a turkey to serve her family on Thanksgiving, but her budget fell short of the amount needed to buy it.
That afternoon, young Mr. Leonard went into town to fetch his mama some milk when he saw a poster advertising a CONTEST TO WIN A FREE turkey for Thanksgiving. All you had to do to win the turkey was to have the biggest -- organ. And not a piano. He was blessed and knew he would win.
So he goes home shouting, “Mama, I found a way to get you a big juicy turkey for you to serve at Thanksgiving Dinner.”
His mama says, “Thank the good Lord. Our prayers have been answered, but tell me how are you going to afford this big Thanksgiving turkey, dear Leonard?”
Young Leonard hesitates at first, but then quickly answers, “Well, you see Mama, there is a contest in town on Sunday afternoon, and I just know that I will win us that turkey.”
Confused and curious, his Mama asks him, “What do you have to do to win, dear son?”
Stuttering in a shy soft voice, he looks down to the ground as he says, “Well, I just kinda…I gotta show…ah, hell, the man in town with the biggest ---‘um,---you know ----pointing to his manhood---wins that big juicy delicious turkey.”
“Oh no!” says Mama. “I won’t have it! I won’t have you showing all of your private parts to the whole town just to win me a turkey. We will just have to think of another way.”
Mr Leonard looks up at her and says with a convincing voice, “Mama, don’t worry! I’m not going to show the towns people ALL of my private parts….JUST ENOUGH TO WIN THE TURKEY.”
Link to go with the joke: http://www.cbsnews.com/news/jim-gaffigan-on-getting-stuffed-for-thanksgiving/
Joke of the Week for the Klaben Auto Works Package goes to the anonymous listener to provided this gem to Jeff Kinzbach at O'Reilly Auto Parts in Kent last weekend:
Question:How can you tell if a guy is a real loser?
Answer: Even his blow up doll cheats on him!
Anonymous grabs Joke of the Week for The Works from Klaben Auto -- and it's a good thing we have a nice photo to go along with it ahead of Steelers-Browns Weekend.
Q: What do the Cleveland Browns and a Chick‐Fil-A manager have in common?
A: Neither one shows up for work on Sunday.
Q: What's the difference between the Cleveland Browns and a dollar bill?
A: You can still get four quarters out of a dollar bill.
Q: If you have a car containing a Steelers wide receiver, a Steelers linebacker, and a Steelers running back, who is driving the car?
A: The cop
Q: Did you hear that Cleveland's football team doesn't have a website?
A: They can't string three "Ws" together.
Q: Did you hear Obama wants to send Rothlesburger to Syria?
A: He’s convinced Rothlesburger is the only American who can
Q: What's the difference between the Cleveland Browns & the Taliban?
A: The Taliban has a running game!
Q: Did you hear that FirstEnergy Stadium had to be re-sodded? That's really sad when you can't even get your own grass to root for you.
Q: Did you hear about the Cleveland woman who was about to
put her son in a Cleveland Browns jersey? That was until her husband remind reminded her it was a choking hazard.
Q:Did you hear the Pittsburgh schools had to cancel sex education classes for the week? It was because the goat died.
This Joke of the Week comes from Tom Bartholomy if Ravenna:
My wife packed my bags today after finding out that I had a one night stand with another woman. "I want you to get out the house," she screamed! I said, "please, can we at least talk about it first?"
"Go on, I'm listening," she replied.
I then sat down, took a deep breath and said, "..It was the most amazing experience of my entire life..."
Joke of the Week comes from Larry Rogers of Canal Fulton:
A married man is having an affair with his secretary. One day their passion takes them to her house, and after a wild afternoon they fall asleep. He wakes up, sees the clock and knows he's in big trouble. So he tells his girlfriend to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt. He slips them on and heads for home.
His wife is waiting. "Where the hell have you been," she yells.
"Well, honey, I cannot lie. I spent the entire afternoon making love with my secretary. We woke up late and I'm just getting home."
She glanced down at his shoes and says "you lying bastard! You've been playing golf!!"
The joke of the week is a classic reworked by Mike Jamison of Massillon:
Three nuns died at the same time, and find themselves at the Pearly Gates.
St. Peter says he can let them in but only after they answer a question correctly.
The first, 21, is asked who created the Ark? "Easy," she replies, "Noah." In she goes.
The second, only 23, is asked who carried the Ten Commandments down the mountain? "Why, Moses, of course!" and into Heaven she strides.
The third, at 85, thinks to herself "what a piece of cake." "What were Eve's first words to Adam?" asks St. Peter. She's stumped...hmmmm...finally mutters "boy oh boy, that's a hard one!" And the Gates opened....