The JOKE OF THE WEEK scores a $50 Speedway card courtesy Klaben Auto...and it's Tom Bartholemy of Ravenna.
Three Steelers fans -- Steve, Bob and Jim -- are working on a septic sewer rebuild when suddenly Steve falls in and is killed instantly. After the ambulance leaves with Steve's body, Bob and Jim realize one of them will have to call Steve's wife.
"I'll do it," says Bob. "I'm good at this sensitive stuff."
he returns with a six pack of beer. "Did you tell her," asks Steeler Jim?
"Yep," responds Steeler Bob. Jim replies "...so where did you get the six pack?" Bob responds Steeler Steve's widow gave it to him.
"What! Why would she do that," cries Jim.
"Well," Bob continues, "when she answered the door I asked her 'are you Steeler Steve's widow?"
"Widow? No, your mistaken," she answered. "I'm not a widow." So I said "I'll bet you a six pack you ARE!"
This week's JOKE OF THE WEEK comes from Doug Holland of Canfield -- a real keeper for that Klaben Auto Works package!
At a hotel restaurant a man sees an attractive woman sitting alone at the next table. Suddenly she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of her eye socket.
It hurls by the man and he snatches it from the air and hands it back to her. "This is so embarrassing," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place, "I am sorry to have disturbed you, let me buy you dinner to make it up to you. May I join you," she asks?
The man says yes. The woman is a stimulating conversationalist stunningly pretty and the man finds they have a lot in common.
He gets her phone number and asks You are the most charming women I have ever met, are you this nice to every guy you meet?
"No," she replies. "You just happened to catch my eye."
Congrats to new jokester Nicholas Kinney of Akron for this gem, worth The Works from Klaben Auto!
Steeler Jim and Bengal Betty returned from their honeymoon refusing to speak to each other. The next day he was talking to his good friend Jeff.
Jeff noticed something was bothering Steeler Jim and asked what was wrong. "Well," replies the Steeler Jim, "when we finished making love on the first night, I made a mistake and put a $50 bill on the pillow."
"Oh, that's not too bad," Jeff said, "She can't think you have been saving yourself all these years."
"That's not the problem," Steeler Jim says. "She gave me $20 change!"
The Works from Klaben Auto goes to Jeff Bartolet of Salem for the Joke of the Week!
Steeler Jim is showering up in a locker room after work when he notices his friend is very well endowed. "Damn, Bob, you're hung!" explains Steeler Jim.
"I wasn't always this impressive," says his buddy. "I had to work for it."
"What do you mean?" asks Steeler Jim. "Well, every day for the past two years, I've spent an hour each night rubbing it with butter. I know it sounds crazy but it actually made it grow 4 inches! You should try it," his buddy answers. Steeler Jim agrees and the two depart.
A few months later the two are back in the same locker room and Bob asks Steeler Jim how his situation was.
Steeler Jim replied, "I did what you said, Bob, but I've actually gotten smaller! I lost two inches already!"
"Did you do everything I told you," Bob asked, "An hour each day with butter?"
"Well, we don't use butter, so I've been using Crisco," replied Steeler Jim.
"Crisco," admonished Bob. "Damn it,Steeler Jim, everyone knows Crisco is shortening!"
Robert Hildreth of Cuyahoga Falls takes this WONE Joke of the Week prize, The Works from Klaben.
Three sisters decided to get married on the same day to save their parents the expense of separate weddings. As a further step to reduce the price tag, the three sisters resolved to spend their honeymoon night at home.
Later that night, their mother couldn’t sleep, so she went to the kitchen for a cup of tea. On her way, she tiptoed by her oldest daughter’s bedroom and heard her screaming. The mother thought to herself, “That’s normal, especially on her wedding night.” She snuck by her second oldest daughter’s room and heard her laughing. “That’s normal too,” she said, smiling to herself. Finally, she slipped by her youngest daughter’s room where she didn’t hear a peep, but she thought nothing of it.
The next morning in the kitchen, after the husbands had gone out, the woman asked her eldest daughter about last night’s noises. “Well Mom,” she replied, “you always said if it hurt I should scream.” “You’re absolutely right sweetheart, ”the mother assured her, turning to her middle daughter. “Now why were you laughing?” she asked. “You always said if it tickled, I could laugh,” she answered. “True enough, honey.” The mother smiled, remembering her newlywed days.
“Now it’s your turn, baby,” she said turning to her youngest daughter. “Why was it so quiet in your room last night?” “Mom, don’t you remember? You always told me never to talk with my mouth full.”
Tom Bartholemy of Ravenna scores The Works from Klaben Auto with WONE's Joke of the Week.
A young teenaged girl was a prostitute and, for obvious reasons, kept it a secret from her grandma. One day, the police raided a brothel and arrested a group of prostitutes, including the young girl. The prostitutes were instructed to line up in a straight line on the sidewalk. Well, who should be walking in the neighborhood, but little old Grandma. The young girl was frantic.
Sure enough, Grandma noticed her young granddaughter and asked curiously, "What are you lining up for, dear?" Not willing to let grandma in on her little secret, the young girl told her that some people were passing out free oranges and that she was lining up for some.
"Mmm, sounds lovely," said Grandma, "I think I'll have some myself" she continued as she made her way to the back of the line.
A police officer made his way down the line, questioning all of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma, at the end of the line, he was bewildered. "But you're so old... how do you do it?"
Grandma replied, "Oh, it's quite easy, sonny... I just remove my dentures and suck 'em dry!"
The WONE Joke of the Week winner is Klayleene Mantz of Akron, who grabs The Works from Klaben Auto.
Once upon a time there lived a king. The king had a beautiful daughter, the Princess. But there was a problem. The princess was cursed. Anything she touched would melt. No matter what it was, metal, wood, stone, anything. Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her.
The king despaired. What could he do to help his daughter? He consulted his wizards and magicians. One wizard told the king, "If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands, she will be cured."
The king was overjoyed and came up with a plan. The next day, he held a competition. Any man that could bring his daughter an object that would not melt would marry her and inherit the king’s wealth. Three young princes took up a challenge.
The first brought a sword of the finest steel. But alas, when the princess touched it, it melted. The prince went away sadly.
The second prince brought diamonds. He thought diamonds are the hardest substance in the world and would not melt. But alas, once the princess touched them, they melted. He too was sent away disappointed.
The third prince approached. He told the princess "Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there." The princess did as she was told, though she turned a little red. She felt something hard. She held it in her hand. And it did not melt!! The king was overjoyed. Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed. And the third prince married the princess and they both lived happily ever after.
What was in the prince’s pants? M&M’s of course. They melt in your mouth, not in your hand! What were you thinking???
Dave Anderson of North Ridgeville's getting The Works from Klaben for the WONE Joke of the Week.
Steeler Jim and Bengal Betty got married. That night in their honeymoon suite Steeler Jim bends over removes his pant and throws them over the Bengal Betty and says "Here, put these on."
Betty replies "I can't wear your pants!" Steeler Jim say that's right as long as we are married I wear the pants in the family. On Mondays I play golf, on Tuesday I play cards with the boys, Wednesday Thursday andFriday I go to the bar, Saturday I play soccer and Sunday I watch the Steelers.
Betty bends over removes her panties and throws them over to Jim and says "Here put these." Jim replies "You're crazy, I can;t get in these panties!" Betty replies "That's right, and you'll never get in those unless you change your schedule and attitude."
WONE's Joke of the Week with The Works from Klaben goes to Randy Meekins of Akron -- not AARP-approved.
Two VERY elderly Steelers fans decide to get married; on their honeymoon night, not much was happening. After a few minutes, the old man passes gas and says "Touchdown! Seven points."
The bride asks what that means, and he responds it's Fart Football. Smiling, a few minutes later she lets one loos and says "Touchdown, tie score!"
A little while later, the she adds another squeaker and says "Field goal, 10-7." Not be be outdone, the new groom strains as hard as he can and lets loose, a bit TOO much.
The wife asks "what does THAT mean?" He says "Halftime. Switch sides!"
This WONE Joke of the Week from Tom Bruce of Boston Heights is so wrong, on so many levels, that we've posted a special photo as a warning.
Scroll down more. Seriously.
One more time.
An actual tweet from Steeler Jim:
"I thought my vasectomy would keep my wife from getting pregnant but apparently it just changes the color of the baby.”
Congrats to Ray Collins of Akron and we're sending him The Works from Klaben for the Joke of the Week!
After the Sundays game, Jim figured he better spend some quality time with his wife. He climbs upstairs, walks in the bedroom and crawls into bed.
"All right honey," he says, "Give me a play you want me to run."
"How about Foreplay?" his wife replies.
"What's the Four Play?" asks Jim.
"You know," the wife says, "It happens before the two minute warning."
(photo from AliExpress.com does not necessarily represent Mrs. Steeler Jim)
Now THIS WONE Joke of the Week has a disclaimer: do NOT read this an hour before -- or after -- lunch! Tim Watts of Norton gets the Klaben Auto Works package for this gem.
Steeler Jim was working as a truck driver. One day as he was out near the outskirts of Pittsburgh he starts feeling really hungry. He sees Jacks Greasy Spoon near the roadside and decides to go in.
He saunters up to the counter and takes a stool and says to the one-toothed, eye-patched waitress, "Hey darlin whatcha got good to eat besides yourself?"
Through the giggles and slobbers she says "...our house chili is on special today. We make it daily." Steeler Jim replies that sounds good get a bowl.
Well Jim eats that bowl right down and still feels hungry. "Hey sweetie could I get another bowl of chili?"
"Sorry," she says, "that was the last of it."
At this point Jim notices another patron next to him with his head down on the counter moaning and a bowl full of that chili sitting there to waste. "Hey buddy are you gonna eat that," asks Jim.
The guy groans...."No, no."
"Do you mind if I do," asks Jim. "Go ahead," the man replies.
Jim tears into the chili and when he gets to the bottom there's an eyeball in it.
Steeler Jim throws it all back up in the bowl. He looks at the guy and says "...did you know there was an eyeball in the bottom of that bowl?"
"Yeah," the other guy snarls. "I had the same reaction myself!"
Our first 2016 Joke of the Week winner is Kimberly Malachowski of Fairlawn for The Works from any of the three Klaben Auto Stores.
God is visiting Pittsburgh and made a special visit to a woman who was a Steelers fan; he told her she must change, or she'd wind up in Hell. God told her she must give up smoking, especially the cigar stubs she picks up in the Heinz Field parking lot after games; also no more drinking, and especially not more unmarried sex with her boyfriend, Jim.
She said she would try her best. A month later, God visited the woman to ask how she was doing.
"Not bad," she replied. "I've given up smoking and drinking, but yesterday I bent over to get some stuff out of the freezer and Jim couldn't control himself, and we made love right there."
"They don't like that in heaven," God responded sternly.
"They weren't too happy in Walmart either," she admitted.
The last Joke of the Week for 2015 comes from Tom Ferguson of West Salem for the Klaben Auto Works Package!
During a recent Pittsburgh Steelers home game, Ben Roethlisberger takes a shot to the head & stumbles to the sideline. With the new NFL concussion protocol, the team doctor must clear him before he can go back into the game. So, the doctor gives Ben a field test. First, he asks him "What is 3 + 5?" Ben answers "17." All the Steelers fans groan and start shouting "Put Ben in, put Ben in!" So, the doctor asks him another question "What is 14 - 3?" Ben answers "6." Again, all the Steelers fans groan and plead "Put Ben in, put Ben in!" So, the doctor tells Ben "This is your last chance, I will give you one more question to see if you are fit to play. What is 3 x 3?" Ben answers "9." Now the fans really started screaming; "Put him in anyway!'