Jeff Kinzbach in the Morning (163)

Friday, 27 May 2016 09:42

Joke of the Week 5/27

We confess...this WONE Joke of the Week starts with a priest and a rabbi, thanks to someone who doesn't want their name used but God knows who they are. So will Klaben Auto with The Works package going their way.

A priest and a rabbi are talking; the priest is out of town the coming weekend but there's nobody who will sit in on confession for him. The rabbi says he'd be glad to do it, and the priest invites him in for mid-week to get a feel of the process.

Both head for the confessional After waiting a few minutes, a woman comes in and says, "Father, forgive me for I have sinned." The priest asks, 'What did you do?" The woman says, "I committed adultery." The priest asks, "how many times?" The woman replies, "Three." Priest: "Say two Hail Mary's, put $5 in the box, and go and sin no more."

A few minutes later, a man enters the confessional. He says, "Father forgive me, for I have sinned." "What did you do?" asks the priest. "I committed adultery." "How many times?" the priest responds." "Three times." The priest says, "Say two Hail Mary's, put $5 in the box and go and sin no more."

The rabbi tells the priest that he thinks he's got it, so the priest leaves. A few minutes later another woman enters and says, "Father, forgive me for I have sinned." The rabbi says, "What did you do?" The woman replies, "I committed adultery."

The rabbi says, "How many times?" The woman replies, "Once."

The rabbi said, "Go and do it two more times, We have a special this week, three for $5."

Thursday, 26 May 2016 08:42

Meet Elaine and Amethyst!

lady elaineLady Elaine is a 6-7 year old Lab mix that weighs about 70 pounds. She is quite the lady, she has a wonderful laidback personality but still has pep in her step despite her age. She LOVES toys of all kinds but just a plain old tennis ball is her favorite. She gets along well with dogs but enjoys them best when they are as  laidback as her. If you think you have room in your home and heart for this beauty, visit Pawsibilities, Humane Society of Greater Akron today!

 

 

cat amethystMeet Amethyst! This pretty girl is looking for a home to call her own! Amethyst is a sweet 4 year old girl who enjoys cuddling up in your lap for pets and love! She usually takes a couple moments to get warmed up to new people and places, but with a few treats and gently pets she feels comfortable in no time! Amethyst is happiest when she is soaking up lots of love or taking quick naps on a cozy bed! She sometimes greets new people with a friendly meow! If you're interested in getting to know Amethyst better, please stop by our shelter and ask to meet her today!

Monday, 23 May 2016 08:35

Joke of the Week 5/20

Get ready for a ride thanks to K.C. of Akron with The Works from Klaben Auto for this gem.

Steeler Jim goes to the doctor. "Doc, you've gotta help me! My wife Bengal Betty just isn't interested in sex anymore. Haven't you got a pill or something I can give her? I am desperate!"

The doctor opens his desk drawer and removes a small bottle of pills. "Ordinarily, I wouldn't do this. These are experimental. The tests so far indicate that they're VERY powerful. Don't give her more than ONE, understand? Just ONE!"

"I don't know, Doc, she's awfully cold..." sputters Jim. "Just one," admonishes the doctor. "One. No more. In her coffee. Okay?"

Jim agrees and leaves for home, where Betty has dinner waiting. When dinner is finished, she goes to the kitchen to bring dessert. Jim hastily pulls the pills from his pocket and drops one into Betty's coffee.

He reflects for a moment, hesitates, then drops in a second pill.

And then he begins to worry. The doctor did say they were powerful. Then inspiration strikes, he drops one pill into his own coffee. Betty returns with the shortcake and they enjoy their dessert and coffee.

A few minutes after they finish, Betty shudders a little, sighs deeply and heavily, and a strange look comes over her. In a near whisper, and a tone of voice he has never heard her use before, she rumbles "I...need... a man...NOW!"

Jim's eyes glitter and his hands tremble as he replies, "Me... too..."

Wednesday, 18 May 2016 10:37

Meet Pike and Speckles

pikePike is a Pit Bull mix that was born around Oct 2015 and currently weighs about 30 pounds (but may have some more growing to do)! He enjoys toys of all kinds but a plush squeaky toy is the way to this pups heart. He can be shy when first meeting new people and would do best in a home with older children. He seems to get along well with most other dogs and he enjoys playing with them.  Come in and adopt Pike today!






cat specklesSpeckles is a 4 year old female who arrived at our shelter with some of her feline friends. Speckles is a sweet girl who takes some time to adjust to new people and places. Once Speckles knows you, she will curl up on your lap for gentle pets or a quick nap! Speckles especially enjoys being pet around her chin and cheek area. Speckles has lived with other cats before and shows potential to get along with dogs who are on the calm side. This precious lady is hoping to make her way into a forever home soon! Speckles hopes you stop by our shelter and ask to meet her today!

Friday, 13 May 2016 10:54

Joke of the Week 5/13

Quickest decision for Joke of the Week -- EVER! Thanks Jim Gibson of Akron for what's sure to be a classic, winning the Speedway gift card from Klaben Auto.

"Pinocchio bumps into his old pal Geppetto, the carpenter who made him. Geppetto asks how he is getting it on with his girlfriend. "Not bad," Pinocchio says, "but when we have sex she keeps complaining about the splinters."

"Don't worry," says Geppetto, "I'll give you a sheet of fine sandpaper. That should sort out the problem." A few weeks later, they meet again. "How are things with your girlfriend now?" asks Geppetto.

"Who needs a girlfriend?" Pinocchio replies!!.

Wednesday, 11 May 2016 09:28

Meet Warren and Olivia!

warrenWarren is a 3-4 year old Beagle mix that weighs about 35 pounds. He can be shy when first meeting new people but with some time and patience he slowly starts to warm up. He also shows potential with the right dog but prefers them to be as laidback as he is. Due to his initial shyness, a lower traffic home with no small children would be best. After Warren gets to know you, he enjoys getting pets and being by your side. If you think that you may be the person to give Warren the safe home he has always dreamed of, visit PHSGA today to meet this special man!

 

 

cat olivia 1Meet Olivia! This pretty 2 year old girl is hoping to find a home to call her own soon! Olivia is a sweet and loving girl who may take a few moments to warm up to new people and places. Once Olivia feels comfortable she enjoys receiving gentle pets and doesn't seem to mind being brushed or groomed. Olivia has lived with other cats before but will need time to adjust to a new feline friend and she shows potential to get along with a calm dog. Olivia likes to spend her days relaxing on a warm lap or soaking up a few rays of sunshine through the safety of a window. Olivia hopes you stop by our shelter soon and ask to meet her!

Wednesday, 11 May 2016 09:25

WONE Joke of the Week 5/6/16

From Tom Bruce of Boston Heights, this week's winner for the Speedway gift card from Klaben Auto!

A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handful of peanuts,which he gratefully munches up.

After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts.

She repeats this gesture about five more times; when she is about to hand him another batch again ....he asks the little old lady, 'Why don't you eat the peanuts yourself?

*'We can't chew them because we've got no teeth', she replied.*

The puzzled driver asks, 'Why do you buy them then?

The old lady replied, "we just love the chocolate around them.*

Wednesday, 11 May 2016 09:25

WONE Joke of the Week 4/29/16

This JOKE OF THE WEEK scores the $25 Speedway gift card thanks to Klaben Auto...and it's Roy Hughes of Mogadore.

Two very devoted nuns came to the USA from Poland. They got off the boat and were walking around New York taking in the sites, sound and smells. Soon they see a hot dog vendor, and the one nun said, "I’ve heard about these all my life, we’ve got to try some." So they bought 2 and were walking away when the one nun open hers looked at it and threw it in the trash...She looked at the other nun and said "WHAT PART OF THE DOG DID YOU GET??????"

Wednesday, 11 May 2016 09:23

WONE JOKE OF THE WEEK 4/22/16

The JOKE OF THE WEEK scores a $50 Speedway card courtesy Klaben Auto...and it's Tom Bartholemy of Ravenna.

Three Steelers fans -- Steve, Bob and Jim -- are working on a septic sewer rebuild when suddenly Steve falls in and is killed instantly. After the ambulance leaves with Steve's body, Bob and Jim realize one of them will have to call Steve's wife.

"I'll do it," says Bob. "I'm good at this sensitive stuff."

Two hours later he returns with a six pack of beer. "Did you tell her," asks Steeler Jim?

"Yep," responds Steeler Bob. Jim replies "...so where did you get the six pack?" Bob responds Steeler Steve's widow gave it to him.

"What! Why would she do that," cries Jim.

"Well," Bob continues, "when she answered the door I asked her 'are you Steeler Steve's widow?"

"Widow? No, your mistaken," she answered. "I'm not a widow." So I said "I'll bet you a six pack you ARE!"

Thursday, 05 May 2016 08:54

Meet Bessie and Barnaby

bessieBessie is an 8-9 year old Beagle mix that weighs about 35 pounds. Bessie is a cuddly princess who is looking for a family to call her very own! She gets along well with most other dogs and despite her age she is ready to play. She would do best in a home with older children. Bessie enjoys being by your side and getting as many pets as you will spare. If you are looking for a new bestie stop in to the PHSGA and meet Bessie!

cat barnabyBarnaby is around 2 years old and arrived at our shelter after being found by a Good Samaritan. Barnaby came to us with a broken back leg and after receiving the necessary surgery and medical care to fix him, Barnaby is now ready to find a home to call his own! We were able to save and repair Barnaby's leg and he is using it better and better each day! Barnaby is able to jump around and play just like any other cat. He is a very sweet and social boy who just loves to be around people and soak up all of the attention and pets he can get! Barnaby is often found romping around with a toy and once he is wore out, he enjoys cuddling up in comfy bed for a quick snooze! Barnaby seems to get along with other cats, dogs, and children. This friendly guy is sure to melt your heart with his loving personality! Barnaby hopes you stop by our shelter and ask to meet him!

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